Arschbomben

Good luck!

Our Kind of Girl

From XKCD.com.

To Each According to His Need

The President of the United States is not a Communist, nor is he actually a socialist. It would be more accurate to label him a Corporatist Central Planner. The entrenched wealthy will always be with us. Central Planning -- whether it be of health care or Wall Street -- will always take care of power-in-being; the big players in the health care industry supported Obamacare, and Goldman Sachs supports proposed "financial reform." If power is to be centralized in Washington, then J.P. Morgan/Chase and Novartis/Ciba-Geigy/Sandoz will have access to those levers.

Capitalism is not the great concentration of capital represented by the Fortune 500, nor is it the great concentration of power increasingly arrogated by the Federal Government. It is instead the great messy soup of individuals opening a new bakery, a new auto-repair shop, a new bookstore, a new restaurant, a new law practice. This is the great wealth-producing engine of genuine Capitalism.

Mega-corporations have not the slightest problem complying with or litigating against more and more regulation, mandates, requirements, and taxes. "Conflicts" between Big Business and Big Government are a matter of claims adjustment: slicing up the latest billion-dollar pie until these massive institutions are institutionally content.

Government has always been about power, and those who govern massive corporations are also all about power. Individual entrepreneurs are not about power, they're about wealth. When those in power speak about taxing the wealthy, or about "making enough money," they're not talking about the already wealthy and powerful, who can look out for themselves, they're talking about messy, complicated, impossible-to-regulate regular people who are out to make theirs the old fashioned way: by creating it.

New Feminist News

"Woman Refuses to Return $17,500 Ring"

That would be this ring:

What? Does she have a blog? Heck, man, its the 21st Century. OF COURSE she has a blog!

What? What? Oh, yeah: OF COURSE we found a picture!

Boy, are WE confused

Check the WaPo's caption. Screen grab via The Daily What. Just for reference, here's a recent picture of the President:

And here's a stock photo of Malcolm:

We hope we've cleared up any confusion.

Gratuitous Babe Pics -- Lauren Bacall Edition

For readers wholly unfamiliar with American culture, the song is "It's the Talk of the Town," by Benny Goodman. Some of us prefer Dean Martin's version. But I digress.

The Lone Biker Of The Apocalypse

PowerPoint Goes to War!

"PowerPoint makes us stupid." HOORAH!

A Long Way Home

The first photograph of Earth from the surface of another planet. Click the image to enlarge. More HERE.

Con Law Kills

Gratuitous Babe Pic -- Helen Mirren Edition

Post hoc ergo propter hoc

A new study by the medical school at Daniel Webster’s favorite little institution of higher learning has uncovered the remarkable proposition that “Teens who watch R-Rated Movies Drink More.” This appears to be attributed to the fact that "Ninety percent of R-rated films have depictions of drinking . . . ."

We look forward to their next investigation, which will study Dartmouth grads who watch pornography all day long. More HERE.

Racist, Sexist, and Ageist: Obama's Hat Trick

Not only is virtually nothing said actually true, the President explicitly "reaches out" only to "young people, African-Americans, Latinos, and women who powered our victory in 2008 [to] stand together once again."

Put another way: "Asian and white men, fuck you!"

Once again, the test is substitution: "I ask that adults, those who actually work for a living, men, and white people who powered our victory . . . . " How's that sound? I thought so.

We Knew It

Probable effect of widespread use of iPad:  "a bleak future of scratchy, abrasive, fiercely painful lavatory paper - probably strictly rationed, to boot."  The science seems right to us.

Iron Man 2

We understand that Robert Downey, Jr. is also in the film, to be released May 7.

Errr . . ., umm . . . OK. Whatever you say . . . . I guess.

It's not news that the DMV would like to sell you a vanity plate and pocket the extra cash. It's not news that about 2% of the resulting plates are clever. And it's not news that the DMV won't give you a plate that says "PENIS," much to the disappointment of teen-aged boys everywhere, for whom that would represent the height of subtle humor. There are web sites dedicated to helping you generate such a plate, and web sites listing thousands of them.

But comes now the Washington Post with a story about the above-pictured Virginia license plate: 14CV88. If you guessed from the tail-gate decoration that it has something to do with our Muslim brothers and sisters, then you're right. And here comes the explanation:

A photo of the truck hit the Web a few days ago, went viral on car and other blogs and finally came to the attention of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, an advocacy group for American Muslims. On Wednesday morning, the group complained to the DMV that the plate contained a white supremacist and neo-Nazi statement.

A few hours later, the DMV agreed that the plate contains a coded message: The number 88 stands for the eighth letter of the alphabet, H, doubled to signify "Heil Hitler," said CAIR's Ibrahim Hooper. "CV" stands for "Confederate veteran" -- the plate was a special model embossed with a Confederate flag, which Virginia makes available for a $10 fee to card-carrying members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. And 14 is code for imprisoned white supremacist David Lane's 14-word motto: "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children."

I'm glad we've cleared that up.

p.s. Do you suppose this means I ought to remove the "Terrorist Hunting License" decal from my truck? I'd not want to be sued by the Terrorist Anti-Defamation League.

Perfect Business Model

Sell cheap crap to people who can't cut a tomato, can't roll up the hose, can't hang a picture, can't keep the dog off the couch, spill stuff a lot, can't put their shoes on, own little yappy dogs, can't buy the right sized pants. In short, people who don't belong in the gene pool.

Undercover Hit Squad

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

Rin, a bullied teenager, discovers her arm has mutated into a razor-sharp weapon on her 16th birthday. A shadow government organization immediately begins hunting her down, slaughtering her parents in the process, but Rin is saved in the nick of time by a super-powered being called Hiruko. Soon, mutants from all over Japan are gathered together and begin militant training to overthrow the government. Meanwhile, Rin is fitted with a special iron mask and begins her life as a “battle girl,” utilizing both her mutant powers and acrobatic abilities to fight against mutant-hunting special forces.

More HERE.

G&S Research Team Reveals Girls Are Filled With Windshield Washing Fluid

This Lady's Eating My Lunch!

“It’s a prison meal,” said Bridgitte Reid, a parent of one high school student. “They can’t do this.”

Reid was so enraged after her daughter explained what she ate Wednesday, she eventually argued directly with school officials, marched into the cafeteria and snatched one of the cheese sandwiches for evidence of the “crime.”

* * * * *

“Why should my student be forced to eat this?” she asked. “There’s nothing on this. No mayo, no nothing. It’s disgusting.”

Wow. Plainly her little snowflake should be served by an omelette chef.

More HERE.

Nothing to See Here, Please Move Along

"'In all honesty, we don't know when it's coming back,' Gary Payton, deputy undersecretary for Air Force space programs, told reporters in a conference call this week."

Complete With Realistically Bad Breast Surgery

Click on the image to enlarge from B to D:

Now available from Sears, we reproduce without correction the description of this marvelous triumph of modern science:

Girlfriend Pillow Do your wife?s business trips make you unease at bed time? Perhaps the fact that you don?t have her around to shares your dreams makes it harder for you to fall sleep. This comfortable pillow recreates the comfort of having your beloved partner. Thinking about the fact of sleeping alone produce a isolated feeling, especially if you are used to have a soft and comfortable arm or maybe you are enjoy a better sleep when you locate your neck in your girlfriend or wife's breast. This hug pillow has an extension that replicates the soft arm of your partner and also adds a breast-like sensation on the pillow, giving all the contour of your love one. Your days of uncomfortable nights are over. Whether your wife is away working or you broke up with your girlfriend, this hug pillow will maintain the comfort of your sleep. The Girlfriend Pillow imitates the contour of your loved one at your side while you sleep.

We're quite troubled by the "breasts," which we fear may be removable, presumably for ambisextrous cuddling. We'll leave the no-snoring, no-complaining jokes to you, and observe only that the thing can't call 911 after it clocks you with a lamp. But the scene we just can't get out of our fertile little minds is this: imagine the single guy who finally gets lucky (and if he's the kind of guy who's got this in his bedroom, it would require quite a bit of luck), only to have the nice young (real) girl discover THIS stuffed under the bed.

Just in Time

Treasury unveils new design for $100 bill.

"Although he was correct . . . "

We have always been at war with East Asia.

The note is dated 1994. This wouldn't happen today. True, the teacher still wouldn't know whether a kilometer was longer than a mile, but now he would emphasize that it didn't matter, so long as Alex felt good about his own answer, and believed strongly that it was true for him.

Via HuffPost.

Well, obviously.

[UPDATE] Thursday Morning: "Don't worry, he'll realize the irony soon."

". . . overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out."

NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!

Hitler is very upset that the copyright owner is squashing videos showing Hitler to be very upset.

Our Physical Science researchers here at G&S believe that this event may cause a space-time singularity resulting in the release of massive numbers of Higgs Bosons.

Job 38:3-6

Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding. Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it? Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof?

With FOUR Free Cases of Gravy!

Sorry, Mom, but my kitchen just won't be complete until I have one of these. That being said, I feel compelled to point out that my birthday is not all that far away.

Here Comes the Science

New data shows that one-half of American women are so breathtakingly stupid they shouldn't be trusted to make change. Bonus statistic: American women in their 20s are 40% dumber than average.

More HERE.

Travel Update

Gentleman Farmer (left) Enjoys the Beach on The Big Island During Hawaii Vacation

Speaking of Volcanic Ash Clouds

There's Vesuvius, Mt. Etna, Fuji-san, Mt. St. Helens, Mauna Loa and "the Icelandic Volcano."  I mean, it's not as if there is only one volcano in Iceland, so what's the problem?  What's the name of the fricking volcano?  As we were all taught in 7th Grade Science Class, it's name is Eyjafjallajökull.  Sheesh.

Volcanic Ash Cloud

Economics Lesson

We think THIS is correct. Goldman Sachs is being charged with selling a financial instrument which permitted one side of the transaction to lose -- and lose big -- while the other side of the transaction won -- and could win big:

First, because the instrument used here was a synthetic CDO, all parties knew that by definition there was someone holding the short side of a position that had been custom made for this trade. That’s what a synthetic CDO is for. A synthetic CDO has no existence outside the trade and there is always a long and a short party.

So it’s not like Goldman hid the fact that there was a short seller. It hid only the fact that the short seller was the legendary John Paulson, who wasn’t a legend yet because he became a legend only by doing these sorts of trades.

What was Goldman supposed to disclose: that the guy on the short side was smarter — like way, way, way smarter — than Goldman’s clients on the long side?

Perhaps the Government should require warning labels on investment transactions, like all those stickers that are now put on ladders: "CAUTION: Gravity is a force determined by the Federal Trade Commission to cause objects to fall; falling may result in embarrassment, injury, or death." We propose that every broker, when confirming the purchase or sale of a stock, bond, or other investment, be required to include the following warning:

NOTICE: THE GUY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS TRANSACTION THINKS YOU ARE AN IDIOT.  IN FACT, HE'S SURE OF IT.

CAUTION: HE MAY BE RIGHT -- ONLY ONE OF YOU IS.

Bacon? Check. Eggs? Check. Jello? Check. Hey, what?!??

Faithful Sherpa provides the following insight into cutting-edge cuisine (click [if you dare] to embiggen):

From My Jello Americans, The Future of Jello Shots

Annals of Delicious Grease

"The Double Down — which consists of two boneless chicken filets that enclose two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of cheese and a mysterious substance known as Colonel’s Sauce — was clearly concocted in a laboratory manned by maniacs.

"The whole idea of replacing bread with chicken — fried chicken — is so brilliantly horrible that I’m surprised Leviticus has nothing to say on the subject. Surely, while God was prohibiting fortunetelling and bestiality he could have mentioned something about misuses of fried-chicken slabs.

"Still, you can’t put the genie back in the grease-stained bottle, so I say let’s go for it. Anything goes from here on out, and I for one don’t intend to be left behind by the salty tides of suicide cuisine."

Gulp down the whole thing: Embrace Suicide Cuisine With New Fast-Food Delicacies

THAT Explains It!

The cause of the recent round of earthquakes is explained, according to this report in The Australian:

A SENIOR Iranian cleric has claimed that dolled-up women incite extramarital sex, causing more earthquakes in Iran, a country that straddles several fault lines, newspapers reported today.

"Many women who dress inappropriately ... cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes," Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi told worshippers at overnight prayers in Tehran.

Well, at least if you're doing it right.

We Know it's Not Caturday, But . . . . . .

Wish Fulfillment

Kingsley Amis, The James Bond Dossier (New York: New American Library, 1965), pp. 34-35 (footnote omitted):

There was a female critic, in fact a Critic (on BBC radio), who remarked apropos of Thunderball that by its use the reader could have his "adolescent inferiority feelings compensated for." This was clearly felt to be a bad thing, though I should have thought that if Thunderball did manage to do this service, the book would be praiseworthy rather than blameworthy on that ground. The notion has grown up that wish fulfillment is somehow immature and therefore suspect. I can't see this myself. I think wish fulfillment is a common and normal human activity. I find self-advertised maturity, pride in maturity, at least equally suspect. No adult ought to feel adult all the time.

But this is a large topic. Perhaps the best shortcut out of it for now is to put forward the works of Homer as a far more compendious compensation-manual than those of Mr. Fleming. In Homer we can enjoy compensation for inferiority in bravery via Achilles, in fertility via Priam, in toughness via Ajax, in nobility via Hector, in cunning via Odysseus. What about that episode where Odysseus, cast away naked on the shore, is awakened and cared for by the beautiful young princess Nausicaa and her attendant maidens? Blatant virility-impairment-refurbishment-substitution-syndrome.

Via Laudator Temporis Acti.

What WOULD We Do Without the Internet?

Rats!

The title of this post derives from our disappointment that WE didn't think of this.  Accordingly, from our "I wish I'd said that" Department, Elizabeth Scalia:

I have my own response to the “if only priests were not celibate” lecture but because it is a rather mean answer, I only use it if the lecturer has been rude about it. I ask them: was there a period in your life, where you were celibate, either because you hadn’t started having sex, or you had no one to have sex with?

When they say yes, I ask how they managed, during that time, to battle their instincts to go around sexually abusing adolescents.

Breakthrough in Economic Theory!

Let's make sure we get this complex new theory correct: if the Government subsidizes something, we'll have more of it; or, like, if you're willing to pay more for something, you'll get more of it. Something like that.

I'm pretty sure I've got that right. You might want to check HERE.


H/T to Uncle Michael.

Mommy, Smelly Men, and Dr. Warren

For those of you who are both all relationship-upped, as well as without access to television, Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the founder of eHarmony. [In the interest of full disclosure, we have ourselves had some adventures on eHarmony (we're "HotSpeedo 12,482). We were at first alarmed that we'd been matched with a Tongan wrestler, but a small adjustment to our profile brought us a great number of matches with women "looking for someone to love my 7 cats as much as I do." But we digress.]

Dr. Warren promises not only to find you the love of your life, but that said person will look more like Jaclyn Smith than Jocelyn Wildenstein, to wit:

But not everyone is pleased:

Oh well. What? Do I hear grunts of doubt? If you don't believe us, then there's more HERE.

Food Science Marches On

"Food scientists in Penn State's College of Agricultural Sciences have discovered an edible film can be used for wrapping ready-to-eat meat products."

Do they mean like this?

April, 1970: "Houston . . . We've Had a Problem"

Some Days You Eat the Tail . . . . .

G&S Like Cats

Was ist eine Babyklappe?

Dieses ist eine Babyklappe.

Let Us Pray -- A G&S Quiz

"Dear Lord this year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson, and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just wanted to let you know that Barack Obama is my favorite president."

QUESTION:  Is this breath-taking tea-bagger right-wing militia incitement to violence?  or is it a joke?

Crib Sheet HERE.

We Only Report the News, and We Don't Write the Headlines

Police Seize Four-Foot Penis

G&S is Opposed to Violence of the Physical Sort

But G&S enthusiastically supports violence of the political, ballot-box sort:

BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!

Racist Bastard!

Jumping the Shark.

If you think that maybe Israel ought not to be wiped off the map, or that Israeli leaders are justified in being just a bit concerned about an Iran armed with nuclear weapons, you're a racist.

Around here we were already racists inasmuch as we were not convinced that Barack Obama's touch was likely to cure scrofula.

I guess we're all racists now.

What About the Unicorns and Puppies?

Chinese to Help Build California Railroad

Hey, wait!  Wasn't that Leland Stanford's idea first?

Harry Reid's

Double Secret Campaign Tour

Just Chill

Why We Love Father John Zuhlsdorf

Aside from the fact that he's one of the young fogies, is a Latin scholar, and has a cool name, I mean.

Here's why.

The New York Times (otherwise known as "Hell's Bible") reports:

ROME — A senior Vatican priest, speaking before Pope Benedict XVI at a Good Friday service, compared the world’s outrage at sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church to the persecution of the Jews, prompting angry responses from victims’ advocates and consternation from Jewish groups.

Father Z's take?

Okay… lemme get this straight.

In midst of this controversy, the Pope’s preacher stands up [on] Good Friday, not at all a controversial day for this pontificate, and… like Joe Biden with an open mic… compares the present persecution of the Church to the persecution of the Jews.

Please… someone … tell me that no one vetted Fr. Cantalamessa’s sermon today and that he was bobbing and weaving out there all by himself.

Please bring Fr. Lombardi more coffee, ‘cause it’s going to be a looong night.

Hell’s Bible now has their quote for the rest of Holy Week.

I can just picture a back office of editors at the NYT, sitting around with cocktails and dreaming about how the Vatican could possibly make this worse.

"Well…. maybe what if a, like, cardinal or…. watzit… monsignor? .... nah… never happen. No one could be that…"

"WHAT?" they ask, pouring more shots.

"Well… what if someone in the Vatican compared their problems to… wait for it… the Holocaust."

[gales of laughter… the sound of more ice tumbling in glasses]

"[sniffing]... sigh… good… yah… never happen…."

And he titles his post: "Because this week wasn’t bad enough already… "

Congressman Hank Johnson (D - Ga.)

Congressman Johnson voted "yes" on Obamacare. Nobody asked you, because such decisions are best left to the best and brightest.