Oh you caught me . . . .

From The Citizen, of Fayette County (Georgia, that is), which bills itself as "Fayette County, Georgia's First & Only Daily Online Newspaper," comes a cautionary tale. In one short column there is sex, betrayal, crime, and indecent exposure. Oh yes: and a chase scene.

Draw close and hearken to my words, lest such a fate befall you, my child.

It seems that Michael Stevens, a denizen of Fayette County, runs a local business that provides guided, moonlight tours of a lake in (inevitably, this being Georgia), Peachtree City. (It is unclear whether he used Lake Peachtree (no, really), or Lake Kedron.) His little piece of free enterprise was called "Big Mike's Adventures." Little information is provided that would suggest the nature or source of "adventure" involved in moonlit tours of these small bodies of water.

Oh yes. He used golf carts. No, I don't know why he used golf carts. But he did.

On the night of April 5, a member of the local police noticed a golf cart (I told you so) down by the boat docks of the above-mentioned lakes. He also observed swimmers: two people and a dog. (The dog, alas, hereafter disappears from our tale.) As the cop approached said cart, he was startled when Big Mike (6' 2", 254 lbs) suddenly emerged from the close-at-hand water, at high speed, trailed by a "female friend," later identified only as "Ms. Hayes."

Both more or less naked, of course.

The pair, unencumbered (ahem), quickly mounted their battery-powered chariot, fleeing down Bridlepath Lane. (Police are apt to describe any pursuit as being "high speed." While there is no description in this instance, we may assume this golf-cart chase was decidedly "low speed.")

The officer of the law gave chase, and Big Mike and Ms. Hayes were finally brought to ground an undisclosed distance away. The circumstances of the stop are (sadly) not revealed (were guns drawn? was a helicopter called in? were there dogs? and what the heck happened to the swimming dog? did he escape? good for him!). But the end of the road is, in fact, described as a "capture." (No, really.)

We come now, my children, to the "money quote."

"When I arrived at the stop scene, I identified the offender and the golf cart as being the same that I saw at Battery Way Boat Docks," [Officer] Carriker said. "The offender and the passenger were also identified as matching the two people that had been at the boat docks."

Stevens allegedly told police that he was "caught," while fiddling with his towel, occasionally exposing his genitalia.

"Oh you caught me," Stevens allegedly told police. "I was having sex with my girl and you caught me."

Consider, my children, the officer's report: He carefully determined that the very large and naked man, the naked woman, as well as the golf cart, were not simply random nudists or innocent electrical conveyances that had just happened by at an inopportune time. Oh no. He specifically and thoroughly reviewed his prior information, and almost immediately concluded that these were, to a reasonably high probability, the very same large, naked man, naked woman, and golf cart. An ornament to any constabulary. His mother would be proud.

The moral, my children, you may glean from the charges (which bear their own close study, which I assign for extra credit): Big Mike was charged with DUI, two counts of resisting an officer, public indecency, public intoxication, reckless driving, violation of park hours, driving a golf cart on unapproved road and driving a golf cart without headlights.

"Ms. Hayes" was not charged.

Mrs. Stevens (oh yes, there is a Mrs. Stevens) was "out of town, attending a funeral."

Read the whole thing for yourself if you don't believe me, HERE.

A deep bow, and flourish of the hat to #1 Son. (But you really should be working . . .)