Denominational Santa?

I'm troubled by Santa.  I really am.  The zeitgeist tells us that this Thursday evening -- Christmas Eve -- Santa will emerge from his North Pole Fortress of Solitude, and fly magically about the world, bringing toys and gifts to all the good little boys and girls.  He makes a list, he checks it twice, and he knows who's naughty, and who's nice.  "Nice" little girls and boys get nice gifts, while "naughty" ones get . . . coal?  Something like that.  But Santa is all about Christmas, the second most important Christian Holy Day.

Oddly, everyone seems to have pretty much the same idea about Santa, and how he operates.  At the same time, there are a boatload of Christian denominations that can't agree with each other about a long list of things, from justification to vestments to the propriety of Crucifixes.  And they all disagree with the Catholic Church about something or other.  So if Christianity is not the same thing to all denominations, then why the heck should they agree on Santa?  I think they're just covering up.  I think that, as a matter of fact, there are as many Santas as there are denominations, and I think Presbyterian Santa is as different from Fundamentalist Santa as Presbyterians are from Fundamentalists.

We've done some research just in time for Christmas Eve, and think you should share the results with the little girls and boys -- naughty and nice -- in your home.  Else they're bound to be disappointed come Christmas morning.

Catholic Santa brings toys to all the little girls and boys who wrote letters to Mrs. Claus, because her appeals to Santa are particularly efficacious.

You never know to whom Anglican Santa will bring toys, because he suffers from multiple personality disorder. But Anglican Santa always wears the coolest Santa suit.

Pentecostal Santa delivers a great abundance of truly inspired toys. Sadly, they make no sense to anyone else.

Presbyterian Santa delivers presents based on his own inscrutable election, and not on account of any merit; but niceness is evidence that the person is one of the Elect, so we do expect to see presents going to the nice -- but only because they're elect, not because they're nice.

Fundamentalist Santa stays home on Christmas, because toys are of the Devil. Besides, he knows that all children are totally naughty and deserve only coal.

Society of Friends Santa sits passively in his sleigh on Christmas Eve, waiting quietly for the Holy Spirit to inspire him to deliver toys.

Baptist Santa delivers only commemorative plates on which are depicted actual toys, because good little Baptist girls and boys don’t believe in the real presents of Santa.

Episcopal Santa is a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body. He delivers no toys at all, but leaves pledge cards for the Save the Whales Foundation.

Conservative Lutheran Santa warns the children not to accept toys from other Santas because he is the one true Santa.

Liberal Lutheran Santa issues a statement apologizing for his past complicity in the injustices of private toy distribution, and urges government control of toy production and distribution.

Muslim Santa? Well, just don't let him park his sleigh too close to your house.

[This was the joint effort of a cradle Catholic, a recent Catholic convert (like your humble and obedient servant), a serious Lutheran, and our Theology Professor. Thanks fellas and gals.]