First, Assume a Can-Opener

In the real world, people get hired, they get fired, the winning run scores from third on a sacrifice fly, there are mice in the breadbox, and it really, really is time to cut your toenails.

Politics is not the real world. Economics is not the real world. And at their intersection, where one might hope for some sort of mutual cancelling of unreality, instead there is a singular discontinuity produced: a multiverse where all things possible, and all things impossible, are real.

In one of those multiverses, I sleep with Helen Mirren. Dan Mitchell, a Senior Fellow at the Cato Institute, explains:

The White House is claiming that the so-called stimulus created between 2.5 million and 3.6 million jobs even though total employment has dropped by more than 2.3 million since Obama took office. The Administration justifies this legerdemain by asserting that the economy actually would have lost about 5 million jobs without the new government spending.

I’ve decided to adopt this clever strategy to spice up my social life. Next time I see my buddies, I’m going to claim that I enjoyed a week of debauchery with the Victoria’s Secret models. And if any of them are rude enough to point out that I’m lying, I’ll simply explain that I started with an assumption of spending -7 nights with the supermodels. And since I actually spent zero nights with them, that means a net of +7. Some of you may be wondering whether it makes sense to begin with an assumption of “-7 nights,” but I figure that’s okay since Keynesians begin with the assumption that you can increase your prosperity by transferring money from your left pocket to your right pocket.

Since I’m a gentleman, I’m not going to share any of the intimate details of my escapades . . . .

Helen adores my chili.