If You Build It, They Will Steal

WalMart proposes to build a store in the District of Columbia. Actually, they propose to build four store which, when opened, would provide about 1,200 new jobs.

But some DC residents aren't so sure this is a good idea. We're used to hearing that arrival of a Walmart will drive small, local retailers out of business. Of course, that's because Walmart sells more things at lower prices; which is a good thing if, like most people, you're a potential customer rather than an inefficient competitor.

But opponents of the proposed stores in the District have, according the the Washington Post, raised some . . . er . . . um . . . "unique" objections:

First, would a new Wal-Mart there really stock the same quality of food and products as its stores do in better-off, suburban communities?

"I'll believe it when I see it," Mya Harris, 24, said skeptically. "Sure you can put the store here, but what are they going to put inside it?"

Cat food, Mya. They're going to stock it with cat food and beef jerky. None of those paper towels, light bulbs, vitamins, clothing, or electronics. Nope. It's a conspiracy by The Man against District residents. Yup, yup, yup.

Even better, however, is this gem:

Second, and I was amazed when this anxiety was aired in fully half the interviews, residents worry that the store would suffer severely or even fail because of petty theft.

"There'll probably be a lot of shoplifting going on. They'll need a lot of security," Terriea Sutton, 35, said.

Brenda Speaks, a Ward 4 ANC commissioner, actually urged blocking construction of the planned store in her ward at Georgia and Missouri avenues NW partly because of that risk. Addressing a small, anti-Wal-Mart rally at City Hall on Monday, Speaks said young people would get criminal records when they couldn't resist the temptation to steal.

So it's a bad idea to try to sell stuff in DC, because the kids will just steal all that shit. and they'll get in trouble, and that would be bad.

Who knew DC hoods had such a penchant for boosting cat food and beef jerky?