It's time we fixed the Bill of Rights

And Frank Fleming is leading the way:

. . . when I dug out a copy of the revered Bill of Rights to show someone how it guarantees everyone a right to contraception, I found no mention of that right!

In fact, the Bill of Rights doesn’t guarantee anything people need — not food, shelter or even broadband internet. The only things it mentions are a few nebulous rights of absolutely no market value. It's rather pointless, really.

Why was the Bill of Rights thought out so poorly? It turns out it was written by these “Founding Fathers” long, long ago, in a much more primitive time. I'm pretty sure their first meeting to draft it was broken up by a woolly mammoth attack.

So it’s no wonder the Bill of Rights looks like it was written by a crazed, right-wing militia member living in an isolated compound. It’s all “Government can't tell me to do this” and “Government can't make me do that” and “I want to have guns.”

Obviously, we’re much more sophisticated now. We aren't like the Founding Fathers, with their primitive fear of government and thunder. We need to update this silly, archaic Bill of Rights, which puts all this emphasis on “freedom” with no mention of the much more important “free stuff.” If we don’t act, other countries will make fun of us for it — and who wants to be tittered at by Belgium?

We want a strong government that guarantees us all the things we need, and we should have a new Bill of Rights that reflects that.

I propose that we have a meeting of all the great minds (college professors, A-list Hollywood actors, people who watch “Downton Abbey”) to list everything people need — basics like food, transportation, and smart phones.

[snip]

And the brain trust will make it clear that if the “freedom” section ever conflicts with the “free stuff” part, then “free stuff” wins out.