G & S Loves Science

One cannot escape the great march forward of human knowledge. Where once we huddled in dark caves, seeking distraction by playing at dice with finger bones, now even our children understand that four of a kind beats a full house. It is inexorable: We hear the sound of inevitability.

For long have our masters scolded us that the food we liked, the food that comforted us, the food we craved, would kill us by stroke, by heart attack, by the slow rot of cancer. Fail to heed us, they warned, at your own peril. Double-Quarter-Pounder with cheese, eh? When you fall writhing on the floor, clutching your chest, we shall go about our medical duties with the attitude of that fellow with the shovel who trudges along behind the elephants in the parade. You got what you deserved, you greasy pig.

But take heart! Those who live by the scientific study must needs die by the scientific study. If our medical voodoo masters demand that we consume tasteless skim milk and bushels of brussels sprouts not because they have the shriveled souls of DMV bureaucrats, but in the name of science, then they must recant, and scuttle back to that nasty little crevice of Hell they call home. We are triumphant!

The Washington Post reports this morning that the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute has spent $415 million on a study that has concluded that prime steaks broiled with butter won't hurt you. And that, my friends, is the trifecta of authority: the WaPo, NIH, and a multi-centa-million dollar study. We're golden.

Above the fold we learn:

Low-fat diets do not protect women against heart attacks, strokes, breast cancer or colon cancer, a major study has found, contradicting what had once been promoted as one of the cornerstones of a healthy lifestyle.

The eight-year study of nearly 50,000 middle-age and elderly women -- by far the largest, most definitive test of cutting fat from the diet -- did not find any clear evidence that doing so reduced their risks, undermining more than a decade of advice from many doctors.

The findings run contrary to the belief that eating less fat would have myriad health benefits, which had prompted health authorities to begin prominent campaigns to get people to eat less fat and the food industry to line grocery shelves with low-fat cookies, chips and other products.

"Based on our findings, we cannot recommend that most women should follow a low-fat diet," said Jacques Rossouw of the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, which funded the $415 million study.

Although the study involved only women, the findings probably apply to men as well, he said.

We can hear the frustration and dejection in his reedy little voice, can we not? Didn't work out the way you expected, did it, you damned pale, skinny celery-cruncher.

It is a great day. It is a new day. We'll see you at lunch, brothers and sisters. We'll see you at lunch.