Conjugal Harmony

Sounds like true love:

Imagine having a wife who is always glad to see you, never cheats or stays out all night, and who rocks your ever-loving world twice a month with a pent-up vengeance you haven't felt since college. Now imagine she never takes your credit cards, doesn't spend all day talking to her mother, and never knows if you're out with friends or sleeping around.

There are church socials, college mixers, frat parties, singles bars, on-line dating, and now there's this:

ConjugalHarmony.com is the oldest, most trusted name in conjugal dating. Since our humble beginnings in 1999 in a small, single room office in Englewood, California, to today, with a staff of more than twenty and offices in every state that permits conjugal visits. Our name is not just what we do, but it's who we are.

Whether you're in California, Connecticut, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York or Washington State, we can find just the right inmate for just the right marriage for just the amount of time you're willing to dedicate.

We will leave it to our dedicated band of online researchers to ferret out whether this is a joke or not.

With Conjugal Harmony, we take out the guess work. You don't have to hire a private detective to know where your spouse is, who they're hanging out with, or ever wonder if you're being cheated on. By marrying a convict inside the prison system you can rest easy knowing that the state is looking out for you, and that you will be free of the nagging, shopping trips and extra-marital oversight so stifling to your relationship.

And this novel structure may be viewed not as a stumbling block, but as an opportunity:

All states within the country have laws prohibiting polygamy, but there is not a national registry that tracks such things. In theory, one could have an incarcerated spouse in all six of the states that permit conjugal visits, as well as one or more additional spouses who are not in the prison system. Such behavior would be highly unethical, moderately illegal, and recommended only to interstate truckers, airline staff, and those who have the ability to fully reap the benefits of such an arrangement. While we can not endorse such behavior, we would not be aware of it unless you told us it was the case, and we'd have to recommend you only select one of our Lifer packages in order to insure that none of them would be released unexpectedly.

You can even browse their lineup of potential spouses. "ChestyHeavens", for example, had me at "beat up":

I beat up this bitch cop with my bare knuckles and she died so I'm done for life. Lets chat!

You'll not want to miss ConjugalHarmony.com.