"The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing."


Glenn Reynolds:

Barack Obama:
"Impossible to transcend."

Albert A. Gore, Jr.:
"An incontinent brute."

Rev. Jeremiah Wright:
"God damn the Gentleman Farmer."

Friends of GF's Sons:
"Is that really your dad?"

Kickball Girl:
"Keeping 'em alive until 7:45."

Hired Hand:
"I think . . . we forgot the pheasant."

I'm an
Alcoholic Yeti
in the
TTLB Ecosystem

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You Can't Lose It

Once upon a time, when #1 Son was still little (he's still young) one of his friends was at the house and wanted to stay for dinner. "That's fine," I said, "Go call your mom and make sure it's ok with her." Off he went to the kitchen. Five minutes later he returned to report, "I don't know how to work the telephone."

It had this rotating disk thing on it instead of handy buttons with numbers. That is to say, had the kid instead been a chimp in a lab, he'd apparently have starved to death.

This is the telephone that sits on my desk at this very moment:

It works perfectly. It's impossible to lose, it makes a great paper-weight, and the receiver is sufficiently hefty that I expect to use it in the last stages of the impending zombie apocalypse. When the power goes out it works just fine, thank you very much. It is impervious to an electromagnetic pulse attack. Having been manufactured by Western Electric during the AT&T monopoly, it was part of their "gold-plated system," and is thus well-nigh indestructible. Centuries from now it will still be in service, though probably being used by the surviving cockroaches to make dinner plans.

Like your iPhone, it tells me what time it is ((303)-499-7111). Unlike your iPhone, it won't tell me where I am or how to get where I'm going, inasmuch as these are philosophical questions best not left to Steve Jobs. It never needs charging, it is never responsible for "can you hear me now," and it has no "quick dial" feature capable of calling the wrong "Susan." No matter how drunk I am, it will send no pictures to ex-bosses or ex-girlfriends. Indeed, once fine motor control is compromised, it is incapable of drunk-dialing. There's an available app for storing often-called numbers. It has a built-in "call refusal" mode, referred to as "taking the phone off the hook." Since I can't put it in my pocket, idiots can't find me when I'm not here.

Not only is it superior in all respects to that ridiculous thing in your pocket, but even a child can make it work.

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Comments on "You Can't Lose It"


Blogger Charlene said ... (7:01 PM) : 

That's cool. I have 1 of the first button phones but it doesn't work any longer. No problem, I don't have a land line.

My mom had the phone she got in 1946 when she and day bought and moved to the farm in S Indiana. It as several generations older than the one you show and weighed about 15 lbs if you picked it up. She gave it up in 1971 and moved to town where she got a phone like the one you show but in the most modern color beige!


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