Illegal Aliens Crossing Borders Into Canada From The USA

This has been making the rounds for several years now, without substantial change. Here it is from June, 2006, from October, 2008, and from mid-August of this year. It's now been updated to include a reference to Tea Partiers, Glenn Beck, and Barack Hussein Obama, and to delete references to President Bush. It is always attributed to the "Manitoba Herald," an actual newspaper published daily from January 11, 1877 until August 2, 1877.

The Manitoba Herald as Reported by Clive Runnels August 12, 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!

Papers, Please

Your humble and obedient servant is proud to live in the Commonwealth of Virginia. The Commonwealth, using funds collected from its citizens via its sovereign power to tax, has constructed a very great number of roads throughout Virginia. It has also established a comprehensive system of regulating the use of those roads, and licensing persons to drive on them. Violation of those regulations can lead to anything from a small fine to incarceration. Persons using those roads are required to carry documentation establishing that they have been properly licensed, and that the vehicle they are operating has been registered with the state.

From time to time, while using the roads of the Commonwealth of Virginia, I have been required to produce my papers. In each instance, the person making the request has been very tall, carried a gun, and wore a uniform and really cool sunglasses. In no such instance did it occur to me that the request was unreasonable, nor did I consider failing to comply.

Which leads me to the conclusion that there must be something fundamental that I'm missing in the immigration "debate," and in the widespread hysteria exhibited at the decision by the State of Arizona to ask people to produce documentation to show that they are legally present in the United States.

Maybe I'm just stupid.

Islamophobophobia

John Derbyshire:

And the more exposure I get to the Islamophobia phenomenon, the more I dislike it. It is now quite an industry. Huge numbers of Americans, people who would not have been able to spell the word "Islam"seven years ago, now spend their leisure hours poring over the Koran and its supplements looking for evidence that Islam is root-and-branch evil. Some of them have gone to the trouble to learn Arabic, or at any rate enough Arabic to be able to discourse confidently on the difference between a mawla and a halif. There's something unpleasantly autoerotic about the whole enterprise—something of seeking for glee in the contemplation of other people's misbehavior. Something defensive, too, as I said in my Islamophobophobia column: some fear (in my opinion justified) that the Islamo-crazies are giving all religion a bad name and thereby fortifying the ranks of unbelievers—who, in the minds of many Islamophobes, are the real enemy.

On the other hand, Islamophobes, though I think unintentionally in some cases, are making a contribution to the much larger cause of undermining the multiculturalist myth: i.e. that peoples from any place, in any numbers, can be settled in a Western society without causing dramatic changes to that society in directions likely to be undesirable. To that degree I think they are doing useful work. I therefore part company with them with goodwill and a cheery wave, and, while I continue to think that they are a bunch of crankish obsessives, remain ready to join with them in matters of common interest.

Note to Homeowners: Shoot First

Because if you don't, then that fellow who climbed through your window is apparently entitled to live in your house:



More HERE. I've become accustomed to overfed, underworked, rich American kids having come to believe that the world owes them a living. I guess I didn't notice when the world decided that we owed it a living as well.