Today in America

There was the fried chicken head in the box of chicken wings; there was the human finger in the ice cream. And then there was the emotional tale of the grandmother who, in the process of making that kid-favorite lunch, the peanut butter sandwich, discovered a mouse at the bottom of the jar. Dead, by all accounts.

A story quintessentially American, with the (white-haired?) Grandmother, the (tow-headed?) grandson, the (name-brand?) peanut butter and, of course, a middle-American venue: St. Charles, Missouri. Yes, THIS STORY could not but raise the hackles (if not the lunch) of any modern consumer:

Patt Holt said she was making a peanut butter sandwich for her grandson when she scooped up something that was small, furry — and definitely should not have been there — a dead mouse.

"I reached the spoon into the bottom to get a nice big glop and pulled up that," Holt said pointing to a peanut butter covered lump.

That wasn't all. In the bottom of the jar, Holt said she could see what looked like fur and small bones.

"I looked at it for a second and I was like that that looks like it's a mouse," said Brian Iverson, one of the first people Holt showed her discovery.

"It was gray and furry and it looked like it had a little eye socket on it and just little feet kind of sticking up," said Holt's friend Jeanne Rogers.

She was shocked, outraged, and concerned:

“I had been feeding my little grandson and myself peanut butter right down to within that far of the mouse." She said.

The family said they've been a little nauseous, but had no other effects.

Still Patt Holt said she will never open another jar without looking in the bottom first. "We have to trust that the tomato soup and cottage cheese and everything that we eat is fine. And I trusted that this was fine, and it wasn't."

But even in the original report, the more cynical, the more cautious, the more suspicious of us might have perceived the seeds of another storyline:

Holt had professional pictures taken, contacted a lawyer and called the Food and Drug Administration. They had a representative come last week.

"He said that's definitely something that shouldn't be in your peanut butter," Holt said. "He said it could be a mouse. It could even be a bird."

Ah, yes, indeed, the spoor of the 21st Century American: Lawyers, professional photography, a Government agency to back her up (second hand, one notes), not to mention instantaneous marshaling of friendly witnesses (the sort of folks who certainly hang around my kitchen day in and day out).

And a defendant with deep pockets.

With luck, Grandma might never have to work again.

But, alas, while there was something in the peanut butter, it was no mouse, and it hadn’t been put there by anyone with ready cash, as we learn HERE:

J.M. Smucker, the parent company of Jif wanted to have it tested in a lab. Soon after, the lab results came back. They found the object in the peanut butter wasn't animal. It wasn't vegetable. It was fruit: Specifically an apple.

David Herman is Senior Counsel for the Food Products Association, the company hired by Smucker to conduct the tests. He says, "We're looking at pieces of apple, apple skin, a stem, and two seeds we found."

The Food Product Association received the object in the mail, did a visual inspection, then looked at it under a microscope. They determined that there were no bones, just a stem. And there was no fur, just mold. Beyond that, they believe someone put that apple in the jar.

Herman says, "There wasn't much peanut butter on the apple, and that's why we were able to determine that those pieces of apple were introduced after that jar was opened."

The lab suggests the apple pieces were in the jar for some time, judging by the mold growth.

And what of Gramma Holt?

She's been advised by her lawyer not to comment.

Of course.