No Bunting

Bunting, as we have mentioned in this space previously, is paradoxically both an essential and a loathsome part of adult kickball. Those who bunt to exploit the your-infielders-are-too-close rule, especially dudes (in an act known as "man-bunting"), are bastards.

In our fall season, I've had to face the bulk of the opposition's bunts as our starting third baseman. I have to say, I've performed admirably, as we remain undefeated on the year. We haven't lost in our last 14 games, and our regular season record is now 6-0-1 following a tie last night (yes, there are ties in kickball. Apparently.). We look to head into the playoffs with an identical record to our bunt-obsessed nemeses, the ones we made forfeit in last season's championship game. God, I hate those guys.

Anyway, this morning I was procrastinating at work, reading the latest WAKA Power Poll, and managed to link my way through to this:

From the Arizona "Fire" division of WAKA Kickball come the

No Bunting Ten Commandments

I. Thou shalt keep the ‘kick’ in kickball

II. Thou shalt not make unto thyself any graven image of a kickball player who bunts, a player of foursquare or likewise a player of tiddlywinks. Thou art a kickball player and a person therewith. Speaketh not in tones of political correctness, but, rather, let thy voice be forthright. Let thy communication be “Kick it!” or “Bunting is for pussies!” and speaketh not the lukewarm utterances of the bunting class.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy coach in vain. Thou shalt obey him, and put his playing plan forth onto the field even in thy last innings.

IV. Remember the kickball day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou drink, and do all thy drunkenness in preparation for Thursday: But the kickball day is for thy team, and thou shalt not cause thy team to be mocked by bunting but only by thy drunkenness and stupor.

V. Honour thy practice flip-cup sessions that thy days may be long upon the beers which thy kickball team giveth thee.

VI. Thou shalt not bunt. Behold, bunting is an abomination unto me, and maketh thy opponent’s head like unto spoiled fruit. This is not meet in mine eyes.

VII. Thou shalt not commit kickball whoredom, for, behold, whoring is an abomination unto me. Thou shalt retain thy love for kicking, not bunting, and not be given unto kickball whoredom like unto those of the bunting.

VIII. Thou shalt not pitch to bunters.

IX. Thou shalt not listen to referees that side with the bunting. When they asketh thee if thou hast sinned, thy answer shall be, “No, sir, for I do not bunt.”

X. Thou shalt not covet the victories of the bunting, for they are hardly victories at all, but only in a way that a losing match of tetherball is a victory for the ball.

Awesome.

FYI, our team is sending a travel squad down to Anaheim in October for the Western regional, 2 weeks after the divisional playoff (on my birthday). We'll keep you posted.