"The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing."


Glenn Reynolds:

Barack Obama:
"Impossible to transcend."

Albert A. Gore, Jr.:
"An incontinent brute."

Rev. Jeremiah Wright:
"God damn the Gentleman Farmer."

Friends of GF's Sons:
"Is that really your dad?"

Kickball Girl:
"Keeping 'em alive until 7:45."

Hired Hand:
"I think . . . we forgot the pheasant."

I'm an
Alcoholic Yeti
in the
TTLB Ecosystem

Thursday, September 14, 2006

No Bunting

Bunting, as we have mentioned in this space previously, is paradoxically both an essential and a loathsome part of adult kickball. Those who bunt to exploit the your-infielders-are-too-close rule, especially dudes (in an act known as "man-bunting"), are bastards.

In our fall season, I've had to face the bulk of the opposition's bunts as our starting third baseman. I have to say, I've performed admirably, as we remain undefeated on the year. We haven't lost in our last 14 games, and our regular season record is now 6-0-1 following a tie last night (yes, there are ties in kickball. Apparently.). We look to head into the playoffs with an identical record to our bunt-obsessed nemeses, the ones we made forfeit in last season's championship game. God, I hate those guys.

Anyway, this morning I was procrastinating at work, reading the latest WAKA Power Poll, and managed to link my way through to this:

From the Arizona "Fire" division of WAKA Kickball come the

No Bunting Ten Commandments

I. Thou shalt keep the ‘kick’ in kickball

II. Thou shalt not make unto thyself any graven image of a kickball player who bunts, a player of foursquare or likewise a player of tiddlywinks. Thou art a kickball player and a person therewith. Speaketh not in tones of political correctness, but, rather, let thy voice be forthright. Let thy communication be “Kick it!” or “Bunting is for pussies!” and speaketh not the lukewarm utterances of the bunting class.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy coach in vain. Thou shalt obey him, and put his playing plan forth onto the field even in thy last innings.

IV. Remember the kickball day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou drink, and do all thy drunkenness in preparation for Thursday: But the kickball day is for thy team, and thou shalt not cause thy team to be mocked by bunting but only by thy drunkenness and stupor.

V. Honour thy practice flip-cup sessions that thy days may be long upon the beers which thy kickball team giveth thee.

VI. Thou shalt not bunt. Behold, bunting is an abomination unto me, and maketh thy opponent’s head like unto spoiled fruit. This is not meet in mine eyes.

VII. Thou shalt not commit kickball whoredom, for, behold, whoring is an abomination unto me. Thou shalt retain thy love for kicking, not bunting, and not be given unto kickball whoredom like unto those of the bunting.

VIII. Thou shalt not pitch to bunters.

IX. Thou shalt not listen to referees that side with the bunting. When they asketh thee if thou hast sinned, thy answer shall be, “No, sir, for I do not bunt.”

X. Thou shalt not covet the victories of the bunting, for they are hardly victories at all, but only in a way that a losing match of tetherball is a victory for the ball.


FYI, our team is sending a travel squad down to Anaheim in October for the Western regional, 2 weeks after the divisional playoff (on my birthday). We'll keep you posted.

Comments on "No Bunting"


Blogger Handsome Dan said ... (9:56 PM) : 

(Yawn ... zzzzzzzzz)

HH - It seems you missed the 11th Commandment ... "Thou shalt not write about bunting, or dopey kickball for that matter."

And I was so looking forward to more of those I-think-I-might-maybe-decide-to-apply-to-law-school posts.

Boola, boola!


Blogger Hired Hand said ... (2:41 PM) : 

Yeah, yeah. Dopey kickball is pretty awesome, so, boola boola yourself. And, I can't tell if you were being sarcastic about the law school posts or not, but, I'm not applying to law school. Not this year, at least. I'm just going to brag for a long time about how I got a better LSAT score than pretty much everyone. Ever. In history.

Yeah, that's right. I went there.


Blogger Handsome Dan said ... (9:30 PM) : 

Hmm, I must have missed the braggadocio-inspired post about your LSAT scores. But let's be serious. Real law schools, you know the ones I'm talking about, are not nearly as impressed with LSAT scores, which can be artificially inflated by endless practice test-taking via Kaplan, Princeton, et al., as they are with unique specialties like being an American Taliban or dopey kickball all-stars. You could fill that we-don't-have-a-dopey-kickball-all-star diversity quotient at the Ivy League law school of your choice. So, keep with the kickball thing. It's unusual. It's manly. It's the new affirmative action. Really. You can trust me on this one. I've actually done law school admissions.

Boola, boola.


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