Being a Conservative Sucks

Cruising the Countryside

Border Patrol Brings Beanbags to a Gun Fight

"Border Patrol agents shot beanbags at a group of suspected bandits before the men returned fire during a confrontation in a remote canyon, killing agent Brian Terry with a single gunshot, records show."

Non-Prophet Group Erects Billboard

In North Bergen, New Jersey, the cultural Mecca of the Garden State.

You Should Have Seen the Atlantic Ocean in Those Days

My Grandparents were marked by The Great Depression, and my parents by the Second World War. With equal indelibility, your humble and obedient servant was marked by . . . television. Having been there at the beginning, my memory stretches back even unto the 1950s. And it recently occurred to me that there is presently no television show on the air that sports a distinctive, iconic opening theme. Even shows whose opening credits you might recognize (like House) ruin the whole thing by putting several minutes of the actual show BEFORE the credits. And even then, there's not a theme, just a bunch of music. There's no beat, you can't dance to it, and it doesn't get stuck in your head.

Back in the day, the purpose of the opening theme and credits was to alert everyone that the show they'd been waiting for all week was about to start. The theme was like an advertising jingle, locked into your subconscious, and forever associated with that show. While no longer the case, it was said of at least two generations that the definition of a serious person was one who could listen to the opening bars of the William Tell Overture without thinking of The Lone Ranger.

Herewith, our list of the 10 Greatest Television Opening Themes of all time.

Perry Mason was why I became a lawyer. He always knew more than everyone else, he always won, and Della Street obviously had a hopeless crush on him. Please also note that the papers Perry dramatically shows to his colleagues and the hapless prosecutor, Hamilton Burger, are blank. I mean, how much cooler can a lawyer be than to confound the bad guys with blank paper!

"Alfred Hitchcock Presents" sported perhaps the shortest introductory theme, but then Hitchcock's own introductory comments were an indispensable part of the opening, as were the ominous violins and drum as the episode itself began to roll. The caricature at the beginning was drawn by Hitchcock, and it was not difficult to imagine that he himself had a closet filled with body parts.

Gleason being Gleason gave himself the most lines and air time, but we all know that Norton (Art Carney) was the real star. One interesting aspect of "The Honeymooners" is that Ralph and Alice lived in a tiny city apartment, while the families in other (slightly later) situation comedies all lived in big suburban houses. The dads in those shows also always worked in (generic) offices, and wore suits. Ralph drove a bus, and Norton worked in the sewer. No one watched "The Honeymooners" and became frustrated with their own apparent lack of upward mobility.

Do I really have to say anything?

"Dragnet" had been a very successful radio drama, and the opening was carried over. Sure, it's not a theme as such, but those four notes mean "Dragnet." This was an iconic show in many ways, and gave us "Just the facts, ma'm," and "The names have been changed to protect the innocent."

Is there anyone on earth who doesn't know that whistled theme? I've often heard this show criticized as presenting a middle-American fantasy-land that never was. Well, of course that's true, just as it is true of Norman Rockwell's work. This is a simple, idealized version of what the lives of regular people should be like. A friend opines that one can learn everything necessary to lead a righteous life by watching this show.

Are these the coolest guys ever, or what? Finger-snapping, horns, cigarettes, it's got everything. Where do you think Don Draper learned to dress? And we all know that Henry Winkler's "The Fonz" was a Kookie wannabe. The writers were perhaps on (then legal) LSD when they wrote Kookie's dialogue, which was always liberally sprinkled with "Daddy-O."

If skinny-tie city cool wasn't your thing, then Cowboy Cool might be for you. The show featured a young Clint Eastwood, the theme was sung by Frankie Lane, and even Elwood and Jake know the song.

We don't know if this theme will be used for the revival TV series, but without it what's left? Who can possibly be as wooden and pompous as Jack Lord, and who more of a suck-up than Helen Hayes' little boy, Danno? "Hawaii Five-0" brings us into the '70s, but one can't help but notice that the governor, McGarrett and Danno are all haoles.

There's no denying that the theme of M.A.S.H. is iconic, and the show itself certainly expressed the pervasive mood of anti-military ennui that drenched post-Vietnam America. 'Nuf said. What we've always wanted to know is the identity of the adorable dark-haired woman running toward the helicopter at about :23. We remain deeply in love with her.

Gabe Kaplan turned out to be a no-talent bum when he wasn't Mr. Kotter, but the theme was by John Sebastian, and the show was "with John Travolta as Barbarino."

Our list now brings us to the 1980s, the last time a television show had a truly great opening theme. We're sorry, but the last 20 years has been a barren wasteland, and so we end with the greatest opening credits of all time:

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For the culturally impaired, who fail to understand the title of this post, see HERE at 1:17.

Labor Day

TIME Magazine to Launch New Adult Version

TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults

News You Can Use

"The Minneapolis city attorney's office has decided to pay seven zombies and their attorney $165,000."

"Coupled with several minor accidents and broken down cars, traffic has now been stranded on the expressway for the past nine days."

Time to move on: Jersey Shore now popular with . . . everyone.

Most street protesters today are just bitter wannabes, cranky because they weren't 20 in 1965. They lack the fundamental quality that made the '60s fun: a sense of humor. A glimmer of light: "You're sexy, you're cute, take off your riot suit!"

Time to reconsider the Barnard Girl stereotype? NSFW a cappella.

We still don't know how to pronounce "Nevada," and we don't care.

Steve Carell Leaves -- Hitler Reacts

Now that it's been confirmed that Steve Carell will not return to "The Office," we suppose it was inevitable that Hitler would react . . . badly: "You morons couldn't tell 'House' from 'Gray's Anatomy'."

Edith Shain Dies at 91

You think you don't know who she is, but you do.

More HERE.

Stories You May Have Missed

Southwest Airline employee finds box of between 40 and 60 heads on airplane: "It wasn't labeled or packaged properly," said Ashley Rogers, a Southwest spokeswoman.

"The teacher demands that the accused refrains in future from drawing rabbits on the blackboard . . . ." [SFW]

New USB device counterintuitively promises ". . .the tumescence will be eliminated in a short time so as to avoid chafing." [SFW]

Scott Adams (yes, THAT Scott Adams) in the WSJ: "If there's oil on the moon, BP will be the first to send a hose into space and suck on the moon until it's the size of a grapefruit. As an investor, that's the side I want to be on, with BP, not the loser moon."

"Naked Funeral Director Loses License." [SFW]

Calvin Klein's cologne "Obsession for Men" scientifically proven to attract cougars. [SFW]

We Feel a Touch of Glaucoma Coming On

Just in time.

There's an App for That

Of course there is!

Well Done!

Mark Twain said, "A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth can even get its boots on."

Clever law professor + gullible 1Ls + WiFi + email/chat/Twitter = "US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts Considering Stepping Down."

It's Groundhog Day!

(Except in Alaska, where it's Marmot Day.)

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

"What do people think of me, really?"

Did the Chicken Jump the Turnstile?

Have we mentioned recently that we love the Internet? And camera phones? And really cheap memory cards?

So it's Wednesday evening in the Big Apple, and you get on the Uptown No. 6 train at the 33rd Street Station.

HERE's the cameraman's blog.

Hitler Finds Out Scott Brown Won

The Mayor of MacDougall Street

You've never heard of Dave Van Ronk, but Bob Dylan, Tom Paxton, Patrick Sky, Phil Ochs, and Joni Mitchell did.