Pole Dancing: Amateur Division

Grant our prayer, O Lord, that this is the bride's sister, and not a relative of the groom.

Here Kitty, Kitty. Nice Kitty. Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty . . . . .

Late Fees

Plainly the greatest merchant/customer email correspondence in the history of the world:

My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.

Don't miss the whole thing.

Warren Zevon

Post-Thanksgiving Ruminations

Thanksgiving, 1939

Imagine that your entire youth had coincided with tough economic times. My mother was born in 1926, and so her childhood spanned the Great Depression. It was only as a wife and mother in the 1950s that she reflected that what she had taken as normal was in fact a gross anomaly. Her mother took in wash and baked bread to sell, and her father worked at this and that when he could. An older brother was raised by grandparents. She had the ordinary recollections for a child of the Depression of going to school in patched dresses and shoes with cardboard insoles, and Christmases that came and went without presents. These stories she told not with unhappy resignation or bitterness, but with a sort of wonder that she'd not realized that they were poor. Everybody was poor!

But there was one holiday story she told with energy and amazement, and that involved the Thanksgiving of her 13th year, 1939. Because that was the year that Cousin Frank moved Thanksgiving Day.

You see my mother's family had been here pretty much from the beginning. They'd not come on the Mayflower to Massachusetts, mind you; pious noble refugees from religious oppression. Nor had they come with Father Franciso Lopez to St. Augustine, Florida. In fact, it's unclear when or how or why they got here. What we do know is that by 1670 her noble forebears were established in the Pine Barrens of what's now Southern New Jersey, huntin', fishin', bushwackin', and taking up with the local Indian girls. Later Europeans would decide that these particular Native Americans were the Lenape or Lenni Lenape, which is certainly what they called themselves. Of course, my remote grandfathers no doubt knew that "Lenape" simply means "the people" and "Lenni Lenape" means the "true people." What they knew was that the local True People produced some mighty cute girls. For which they no doubt gave thanks. But I digress.

My point is that because her family had been here pretty much from the beginning, she was related to damn near anybody who could trace their roots back to 1800. And so she was a remote cousin of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Now Cousin Frank had been President her whole life. She was 6 in 1932, and 19 in 1945. He'd ALWAYS been President, surely he would always BE President. It was a matter of Divine Right or something. He was on our side against, well, you know; the bad guys. But even she drew the line when Cousin Frank decided to mess with Thanksgiving.

In 1863 President Lincoln had proclaimed Thanksgiving to be the last Thursday in November. Before that it had moved around a bit from year to year, but from that time on it was set. The problem in 1939 was that November had 5 Thursdays, the last being November 30, which left only 20 shopping days until Christmas. Always looking for some way to stimulate the economy, Roosevelt reasoned that adding an extra week for shopping would help. And since Thanksgiving had traditionally been declared by Presidential Proclamation -- rather than by statute -- he had the means at hand to move it. And so he did, back to November 23.

My 13-year-old mother was appalled. It was as if he'd declared Christmas to be December 20, or Armistice Day to be November 10. Even Cousin Frank couldn't mess with the calendar, for goodness sake. Much of the rest of the country followed her lead. It took on political aspects: November 30 was Republican Thanksgiving, while November 23 was Democrat Thanksgiving. (Can you say "Franksgiving?") Individual states had to decide which way to jump and, when the dust settled and Lincoln's "day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens" rolled around, 23 states opted for the old date while 22 went with Cousin Frank.

This "experiment" continued until Thanksgiving of 1942, although Roosevelt had abandoned the idea in the Spring of 1941 (too late to fix it for that year, what with football schedules and such). It goes without saying that my mother's family, as she put it, "had Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving," and not the sad, pretend Thanksgiving announced by Cousin Frank. It was always clear that she found this defiance of The President to have been a bold and almost subversively brave act.

So settle in today for your traditional Thanksgiving meal, secure in the knowledge that even Cousin Frank didn't have the clout to mess with it.

What's that you say? You noticed that 23 states plus 22 states adds up to only 45 of the 48 states? Very observant, my children. Texas, Mississippi and Colorado decided to split the difference, and celebrated on BOTH days.

Thanksgiving Day, 2009

I HATE IT When That Happens

So this guy pulls into a parking garage . . . . .

Newton. Einstein. Hořava?

Hořava Gravity.

Thurible, Just Thurible

The following is from our "anything worth doing is worth doing to excess" department, Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela division:

Tell Me What You Think You're Looking At

You're wrong.

The Dangers of Luke Warming

Al Gore's new movie, "My Soup is Cold!"

Draw Nigh and Give Your Attention

Today's lesson is a simple one, and I've brought visual aids.

Bad ecclesiastical head gear:

Good ecclesiastical head gear:

Additional study may be conducted at Bad Vestments.

Is it possible? Could it be? Yes! Today is . . . . . . .

BIG GAME

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . . .
The One . . . . .
The ONLY . . . . . .
The TRULY Incomparable . . . .
LELAND STANFORD JUNIOR [pause]
University Marching Band!

[Please set your volume to 11.]

Awwwwwwww!

More Hate-Filled Racist Slander

Click on image to enlarge.

November 19, 1863

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate...we can not consecrate...we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government: of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

We Have a Question

What are the rules for "Strip Yahtzee?"

[WARNING: link goes to article with photo of loser. While SFW, eye bleach may be required.]

The Country's in the Very Best of Hands

Even NPR is aghast: "The exchange started with Graham stumping Holder with a question one would have thought the attorney general would have been prepared for."

We're trying to imagine the conversation between the Marine Captain who has his weapon pointed at bin Laden's head and the Attorney General respecting what he should do next. Moreover, having listened to Mr. Holder's babble, the Captain would have to reflect on the likelihood of his being indicted for war crimes if he gets it wrong.

Professor Reynolds observes: "What’s really amazing is that Holder doesn’t even have a good bullshit answer prepared. Lame."

But fear not. I'm sure these guys will have much better protocols, guidelines, and structures in place for deciding whether your mom is permitted to have a hip replacement.

Fun for the Whole Family!

Via Father James Martin comes this new product from Prayer Works Interactive, "Mass: We Pray."  Father Martin, with Jesuitical caution, wonders if it's real or a hoax.  Our perhaps more sensitive sense of the ridiculous concludes that it's a joke, but one never knows.  We're mindful of Chris Johnson's observation that no matter how absurd, every joke about the Episcopal church sooner or later comes true.  I think we can do better than that.  And much hilarity ensued:

Hope & Change: Fashion Edition

Our New England correspondent, Uncle Michael, believes he's spotted a new fashion trend amongst those of our fellow citizens so unfortunate and oppressed as to be called upon to pose for mug shots.  Click to enlarge.

Doing More For Animal Rights

Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?

NOW He Tells Us!

"It is important though to recognize if we keep on adding to the debt, even in the midst of this recovery, that at some point, people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy in a way that could actually lead to a double-dip recession."

A Bicycle Built for Two

As the intelligent, self-aware, homicidal HAL 9000 is killed, he regresses and, finally, pathetically sings a song. "My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song."

But it's even more creepy than you know.

Because it is Not Right for Petman to be Alone

Our correspondent Bike-Boy (be careful how you pronounce that) observes that Petman has no need to be lonely.

We welcome our new Machine Overlords. Which is particularly creepy, inasmuch as I watched The Matrix this weekend.

Our Favorite Athiest

Christopher Hitchens has something to say about Major Nidal Malik Hasan:

I do not say that all practitioners of woman-hating, anti-Semitic, sadomasochistic suicide immolations are themselves insane, but I do say that the teaching itself is demented. In the same way, I do not say that all Muslims are terrorists, but I have noticed that an alarmingly high proportion of terrorists are Muslim.

Every Day, in Every Way, Things Get Better and Better

The '00s in 7 Minutes

Remember, O My Children

YOU invented Death Cab for Cutie, WE invented Heavy Metal.

Local Man Claims Responsibility For Own Problems

In an odd exposé that has left the worlds of politics and academia abuzz, a local homeless person revealed yesterday that he only blamed himself for his failures. The incident occurred near the dumpster behind the Shop Rite store in Brooklyn, when Willard Kookish, formerly of 435 Subprime Lane in Nutly, NJ, casually told a reporter that "my problems are my own fault." The veteran New York Times reporter Ken McLiar, who has been searching area dumpsters for a 3,785-part series on people who are homeless due to the evils of American capitalism, admits he was astonished by Mr. Kookish's bizarre confession. When asked to elaborate, Mr. Kookish went on to say, "I went through college drinking and smoking dope and never learned anything. I've had many job opportunities but didn't bother to show up. My family left me a nice house to live in but I took out home equity loans on it and spent the money on hookers and gambling. When the housing boom collapsed I lost everything. I made bad decisions and here I am bearing the consequences."

More HERE.

Droid it is, then . . . . . .

Hope & Change

September 27, 1945

November 13, 2009

Schadenfreude

"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"

"Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML"

"Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled the sounds my wife makes in bed. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML"

"Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML"

"Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML"

DO NOT click through to FMyLife.

Caturday Morning

We're All Environmentalists Now

Wherein your host adds to the growing chorus of objections to excessive packaging.

Some Ideas are Bad Ideas

Bad Idea #1: A doctor having sex with his patient;

Bad Idea #2: An employer having sex with his employee;

Bad Idea #3: A stepfather having sex with his stepdaughter.

TRIFECTA!

Do as I Say, or Go to Jail -- Seems Fair to Me

The Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month

At the Brandenburg Gate

The anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall got me thinking about the fact that Ronald Reagan left office in 1989.  I voted for him twice, but today's 20-something citizens don't remember living in a United States with an actual President.  Perhaps they remember Papa Bush as a grandfatherly but largely irrelevant face on TV; they certainly remember Bill Clinton, the charming rogue with a seedy past and the morals of a stoat; and they grew to adulthood being told by every organ of media that Mr. Bush was pretty much a dumb version of Hitler.  And so they elected an incompetent hard-left organizer.  Good luck with that.

In the interest of reminding our children what it was like for there to be a President of the United States:

It is Right to Give Me Thanks and Praise

You Have Nothing to Fear!

We Visitors wish for nothing but friendship with the people of Earth. Our technology is far more advanced than yours: our physicians can cure rabies and distemper. We offer these as gifts to our new friends. We ask in return for little: your mice and rats and birds and fish to feed our people, your milk to quench our thirst. Many of you already have close relationships with those who came before us as scouts, before our great interstellar ships appeared over each of your great cities.  We apologize for this small deception, but we are small and weak, and feared for our safety if we walked among you openly.   Welcome us into your homes. What possible harm can come of it . . . . .

Tonight's the Night!

Our Kind of Girl

Fort Hood hero: "It was an amazing and an aggressive performance by this police officer."

Ora Pro Nobis

"An executive has won the right to sue his employer on the basis that he was unfairly dismissed for his green views after a judge ruled that environmentalism had the same weight in law as religious and philosophical beliefs."

More at Public Secrets.

"You Might Want to Think About . . .

. . . . joining the Episcopal Church. Because they have gay people everywhere, but they are way too classy to ever serve Jello."

Today we rest from Anglican bashing, to extend the hand of Catholic friendship to our Lutheran brothers and sisters. Certain recent actions by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America are both controversial and little understood. We hope this short video will clear up the confusion.

Provided by The Oldtimer.

Acts 9:1-19

"As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him."

Planned Parenthood Leader Resigns After Watching Abortion Ultrasound.

Workin' For the Man Every Night & Day

The Tax Foundation computes the income tax rates necessary to close the deficit:

Via TaxProf Blog.

You Be The Judge

Does this little video count as treason or blasphemy? Or perhaps it doesn't matter anymore.

From Mr. Moto's Diary.

The Solemnity of All Saints