Dear 1964: Problem Solved

From the October, 1964 edition of Teen Confessions (via Sequential Crush):

Abstinence: not just a laugh-line anymore

We promise we're not making any of this up.  It's on the interwebs, so it must be true.

There's a Facebook Group called "Liberal Ladies Who Lunch."  Now if you think that any such group must necessarily exhibit a very high degree of hysteria . . . well, then, you're a sexist tool of the oppressor class destined for reeducation camp.  Not that you'd be wrong, but still.  It's all so tediously predictable.  "Choice" means "I choose, you pay."  Standing up for "LBGT Rights" means "and you also have to pay for my genital mutilation surgery."  If you wonder aloud why you ought to be required to pay for birth control pills for an upper-middle-class law student, then you're part of the "War on Women."

Currently, the forces of reaction and oppression have become so alarming to the Liberal Ladies who Lunch that they've determined that they're not going to taking it laying down.  No, sir.  They've determined to stand up for their rights and, fiercely clenching an aspirin betwixt their knees, have announced what they're calling the "Access Denied Sex Strike," to run from April 28 through May 5:

Younger men and women may not remember the "good old days" when the only reproductive choice we had was to deny men access to sex. In truth, if we lose our hard won rights to medical care, birth control and pregnancy choice, it won't only affect women. Men will have to go back to the days when they waited for or paid for sex. This issue impacts all of us. This strike is designed to make that point. IT IS NOT A PUNISHMENT OR A WEAPON TO BE USED AGAINST ANYONE! It's a week in which you are conscious of the attack on women's rights, nothing more.

Ask your man to stand with you in solidarity and speak up for your rights, because when we lose our reproductive choices, so do they.

I know, I know. You thought "abstinence" was a laugh-line to be used when discussing sex education; so silly a notion that it can't be taken seriously. But, then, while these folks are liberals, they're also ladies. And if there's one thing a gentleman knows about a lady, it's that her inconsistency and irrationality are just part of her charm.

So don't worry, girls: we still think you're cute as a button.

"Female sexuality... the timeless mystery."

Responding to the headline, "Grey ties are flying off the shelves as wives take inspiration from X-rated bondage novel to dress up their men," Ann Althouse wonders: "So... is this new-found, book-driven desire a desire to get tied up or to get their men to wear ties? Female sexuality... the timeless mystery."

Chicks really dig . . .

. . . toilets. Yup. They'll bargain for 'em.

HERE'S the science.

Alien Life Form Documented

Relationships: His & Her Diary

Presented as a public service

Murdoch's Wife to the Rescue

As all the world knows by now, during his testimony yesterday to a Parliamentary committee, Press Baron Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a pie-throwing "protester." In the video below, we see Baron Rupert's son largely immobile, Rupert himself sitting with as much dignity as can be mustered under the circumstances, and Mr. Murdoch's wife, the former Wendi Deng, vaulting over intervening obstacles to smack the pie-thrower up side the head.  Ms. Deng, a former volleyball player, married Murdoch in 1999, when she was 29 and he 66.  She seems a good investment, wot?

At least now I have an answer to the inevitable question: "No, no, my dear, it's not just THAT -- I need a bodyguard as well."

Hindsight

The good people of Franklin County, Ohio, have a new courthouse, which opened for business this past Monday. One new tenant -- Court of Common Pleas Judge Julie Lynch -- is complaining about the central staircase in the lobby. The staircase, you see, has clear risers (you know, the vertical pieces between the steps that you stub your toe on). Now "floating" stairs with no risers at all are hardly some great grotesque innovation; they've been around for years.

But apparently the first thing that popped into the mind of Judge Julie when she first beheld the stairs was . . . wait for it . . . "guys can look up my dress." Well, sure. We guess that's so, although we can't say that it's the first thing that would pop into our heads. And we assume this also means that Judge Julie has never herself perched on a bar stool wearing her little black dress.

In the interest of full disclosure, we confess that we're neither a girl, nor have we ever even played one on TV. It could be that the average woman spends a good deal of her day carefully scanning her surroundings, seeking to detect occasions for guys looking up her skirt. But we doubt it.

It's clear that Judge Julie thinks differently, since her only explanation for this horror is that it had to have been designed by men, which reasoning carries with it the implicit assumption that any woman would immediately think "up skirt!" But that seems to us a bit inconsistent with the steps that have been taken pending a permanent fix: court security officers now warn all women before they take the offending steps.

Her Now the News

Damaged Women Stage Drunken 2 a.m. March On Washington

R.I.P. Anne Francis

January 2, aged 80.

Gratuitous Babe Post: Nataly Dawn Edition

Gratuitous Babe Post: Helen Mirren Edition

We suppose it's not entirely gratuitous, but we strive here for honesty. Apple has paid Dame Helen $800,000 for two days of work shooting commercials for Wii Fit Plus in Australia. We have the video for you, and we choose to think that she herself provided the priceless explanation: "I find exercise is a bit like meeting an old lover; you know, you're really pleased to see him, but you get tired of him really quickly; you remember why you didn't like him in the first place."

Lady & The Cat

Study Shows Women Crazier Than Men

Why are we not surprised?

Gratuitous Beer Picture

Click to embiggen (ehem).

"Oktoberfest is a 16- to 18-day festival held each year in Munich, Bavaria, Germany, running from late September to the first weekend in October. It is one of the most famous events in Germany and the world's largest fair, with some six million people attending every year. The Oktoberfest is an important part of Bavarian culture. Other cities across the world also hold Oktoberfest celebrations, modelled after the Munich event."

Housewives Are Easy

The Terrorists Have Won

Well, at least some people think so. We think considerably more research is necessary, particularly the careful review of photo intel.

Girls Are Not Boys

From Doghouse Diaries.

Flawed Business Plan

It seems that in a month or so, "Cupidtino" (you know, like "Cupertino" (Apple's headquarters) and "Cupid" (like in the little chubby angel whose little pointy-things pierce your heart, sentencing you to a life of handing over the paycheck to "Faye")) is set to launch. Since we can't make this stuff up, we'll just quote their pre-opening banner:

Cupidtino is a beautiful new dating site created for fans of Apple products by fans of Apple products! Why? Diehard Mac & Apple fans often have a lot in common – personalities, creative professions, a similar sense of style and aesthetics, taste, and of course a love for technology. We believe these are enough reasons for two people to meet and fall in love, and so we created the first Mac-inspired dating site to help you find other Machearts around you.

Cupidtino will launch in June 2010 exclusively on Apple platforms – Safari, iPhone and iPad apps. It’s time to share the love.

While we applaud any effort to extend new technology to applications other than pornography, we wonder if the boffins behind this site are aware that "dating" requires at least one of the participants to actually be a girl. Not the avatar of a "girl," or the screen icon of a "girl," or a computer-generated "girl," or a Level 31 Paladin-Mage "girl," but an actual flesh-and-blood girl.

This, for example, is a girl:

This message has been presented as a public service to Apple Fanboys everywhere: forget it.